Much of this year, especially the weekends, has been spent sitting in the hospital room while Sam sleeps. On my computer, reading a book, coloring, waiting.
Waiting for him to wake up, waiting for him to feel better, waiting for life to resume. Sometimes I read blogs about coping with cancer but they seldom help. I read the news, text my friends, look at Facebook, scroll through Pinterest. The future has come in and out of focus and planning has taken a back seat to simply getting through today. When we learned Sam was in remission, I thought it was the beginning of the end of all of this. Sam wasn’t so sure, and now I am terrified that he may have been right. Since that day, he’s roller-coastered through fatigue, nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea. Since we left the hospital last time, when one symptom would end, another resumed until this last round became so violent it put him back up on B6/6. Not keeping any food down for days in a row will do that to you when you weigh 115 pounds (& dropping). He is pale, skeletal, covered in a rash caused by GVH and just simply miserable. His doctor confirmed what we knew this morning: his situation is “serious.” They will be looking for him to improve within the next couple of days before it becomes even more serious. If it doesn’t improve, it means he is not responding to the treatment. That would be very bad. Until then, we continue to wait and hope. I don’t know how to pick myself up or be truly distracted as I keep trying to be, because every time I look at him I panic. Where has Sam gone? Where is my funny, sarcastic, active, smart, stubborn, adventurous husband? I flash back to him setting up the drift boat for an afternoon on the Kenai. Or him fighting with a colleague about how to message a bill in the legislature. Or fixing my bike in the garage with music blaring and taking breaks to do a silly dance because he knows it will make me laugh. Who is this sickly, pale, skeleton that has replaced him, and when will real-Sam get to come back? Sam says if he dies to try to remember him for the former, not the later. Which is so obvious to me, because I barely know the later. Day in and out, I have sat here with him in a tiny room. I’ve rubbed his back as he vomits. I’ve held cold washcloths to his face as he fought off fevers. I’ve watched movies, chatted with nurses, and attempted to remind him what life is like on the outside. Though I’ve been here through it all, we have been a million miles apart, walking completely different paths. When he tells me he is worried that he is dying, I feel emotions. He feels all of those same emotions, plus a myriad of other physical, unrelenting symptoms that make it infinitely more real and scary. If I say that I think it will be OK and I think he is stronger than he knows, he simply looks inside himself to assess what he has left. He cannot (or will not?) communicate what he sees inside himself to me, but the look in his eyes is so telling and so completely terrifying. I hope he is wrong. I hope fear is talking, not reality. But there is no way to know. This morning, he sat up from sleeping to take some morning meds and instantly vomited. As he did so, his eyes watered more than normal. At he retched, vomiting up the stomach lining since there is no food to expel, I think he was actually crying at the misery and unrelenting hopelessness of it all. He’s scared. Which means I’m fucking terrified. This blog post has no moral, or neat way to tie up in a bow. I sincerely am optimistic and believe if anyone can pull through this it is Sam. But I also know that cancer does not assess personalities or consider what its victims have left to offer the world. It is exhausting to be realistic. And it is exhausting to be optimistic when sharing this tiny room with all kinds of misery. I hate to keep asking and taking from all of you, but truthfully, we lean on your support and optimism and need it now more than ever.
Annie Harris
12/19/2015 11:02:25 am
Sam and Jenny,
Becky Barnhart
12/19/2015 12:17:23 pm
I love you both. I hope my love and prayers surrounding you add just a bit more hope and peace to your days. I wish I had these great words for you. But all I have is the love and peace to pray for you.
John Mode
12/19/2015 12:59:22 pm
Love you Sam
Chelsie
12/19/2015 01:00:18 pm
Jenny & Sam - I don't know you well, but I have so much love and hope for you both. Your story is painful, and beautiful, and filled with so much love I can feel it through your words. Sending so much love and positive vibes. xo
Dan Feder
12/19/2015 01:01:06 pm
It's good that he has both Rachel and Jenny with him. Double the love.
Susan Byers
12/19/2015 02:58:34 pm
Jenny: I am so sorry you are both in pain. Please know you are in our thoughts, our hearts, our prayers. Behind these few words, we are sending hope, healing and hugs to you both. Love, Susan and Jeff
Mayah Ben-Meir
12/19/2015 03:07:04 pm
Jenny,
Jan Dutton
12/19/2015 03:13:13 pm
Your words are so strong and touching. My heart aches and wishes I could take even a portion of the pain away. I'm not even great at the "praying business" but thanks to you two I'm getting back into practice. Hopefully God will be like "Hey, I haven't heard from her in a while, this must be big..." Sending lots of love. Jan D. (Friend of your moms)
Karsten
12/19/2015 03:43:59 pm
Hi Jenny and Sam: I was so relieved to read that the cancer was back in remission, and so sad to hear that wasn't the end of the misery. Love you both and hope things get better.
Marilyn and Dick
12/19/2015 03:54:41 pm
Oh Jenny - we are so sad - - and yet so very hopeful that you and Sam will have that bright future that it seems so many, the whole world wants as well. Thank you for sharing what has to be so very difficult - and brave
Ezra
12/19/2015 04:04:10 pm
We're all here pulling for you, Sam! Stay strong on the inside (heart and head), where it matters most, and your body will follow. You got this, brother! Jenny: we're all here for you, too! You've been so strong for Sam and for yourself and for all of us. You need to dig deep and keep strong too. You got this, girl. Much love for you both! Let's hope that Sam turns the corner any day now, just like the length of the days is doing. We're right in the heart of the darkest part and we're poised to emerge any day now. #solstice
Cheryl
12/19/2015 04:09:07 pm
Jenny we've never met, I know Sam's parents but I want you to know my prayers are being sent your way for Sam and you.
Khalial
12/19/2015 04:42:22 pm
Sam & Jenny! Holy shit. Nightmare continues. We are sending you love and energy amidst tears. Solstice does have all this darkness but wildness too. Sun should return soon. I believe in the wildness in both of you!
Victoria
12/19/2015 05:10:27 pm
I'm so sorry and am sending every possible healing thought that I can! Hoping for better days right around the corner.
Beverly Mangerson
12/19/2015 06:12:01 pm
Please hang in there , we are praying so hard 12/19/2015 07:50:28 pm
Jenny = it makes me sick to read what is going on in the life that you and Sam share - you both deserve sooooooo much more and I'm praying that this will happen for you -
Jace
12/19/2015 08:39:45 pm
All our wishes with you and Sam. I've know him since school and he taught me so much. Be strong Jenny and Sam. Our thoughts are with you.
Jackie Jillings
12/20/2015 12:53:42 am
Jenny -you don't know me but we are kind-of related (our husbands are both uncles to Hadley). I have been following your blog and wishing you and Sam the very best. I am wishing still more now. David and I have been lucky - pray that you will be too.
Aunt Linda
12/20/2015 02:58:26 am
Sammy, Jenny, you CAN do this! You can! You are both so strong and courageous! love you guys so much!
Kenneth Barnhart
12/20/2015 03:20:53 am
If knowing that your fear and pain are felt by others can bring some comfort, this is my wish. 12/20/2015 06:19:52 am
Dearest Jenny and Sam,
marie martini
12/20/2015 10:45:26 am
There are no words to make any of this better... I send love, respect, admiration, and hope for much, much better days.
Whitney justin and Brendan loula
12/20/2015 01:30:04 pm
We are sending all the love and strength to you both.
Linda Barr and George Kappaz
12/20/2015 02:34:02 pm
Sending our love and strength to help Sam and you pull through this dark period and experience sunshine once again! We love you!
A & A in AK
12/20/2015 07:03:07 pm
Jenny, Sam - we haven't met, but we know your story from our mutual friends. And all to say is: count us among your people, sending you love and healing thoughts. Wishing for the best.
Kelsi Swenson
12/20/2015 09:24:01 pm
Sending sooo many positive thoughts - you both are deep within my thoughts.
Brianna
12/21/2015 08:41:02 am
Sending you many, many positive thoughts. Please tell Sam that Stuart (he may remember me as lymphhlog from our overlapping bouts with cancer back in 2009) is following his battle and I pray that the peace or Christ Jesus sustains him in every moment of the struggle as it did for me. There is one who knows our suffering, my brother, because he himself suffered deeply. Our hope is in his promises to you and to me. So, so sorry for this.
Marge & Clyde schweitzer
12/22/2015 03:15:42 pm
Our prayers are with you Hang In There!!! Comments are closed.
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