Everyone in this country is on edge today.
We’re hopeful, scared, high anxiety, sad and inspired. All at the same time. I know we have all been reading amazing and terrifying stories, and I think it's safe to say that those of us who read probably more than what is good for us, are just feeling all the feelings. But this blog isn’t about politics. It’s about cancer treatment, perseverance and hope. So, adding to election preoccupation, I’ll admit I’ve felt all these same feelings about Sam’s health since he was released from the hospital on Saturday afternoon when his inpatient chemo wrapped up. Although we were “home” (a.k.a. not inpatient, but so far from home obviously) over the weekend, we got a heavy-handed reminder that cancer treatment doesn’t get weekends off. Sam just wasn’t feeling well. Low grade fever, no appetite, gut pain, sores on his hands and eyes from the chemo, no energy, the list goes on. When you have no immune system (literally, his white blood cell count is 0.0) these little things can be big things. We went into the clinic everyday over the weekend and what should have been one hour-long infusions of his last doses of chemo, turned into five hour “let’s deal with your symptoms as best we can and get you out of here and cross our fingers that things don’t blow up when you’re at home” sessions. Meanwhile, Sam’s family has been incredible. They found an awesome apartment, and have made it feel homey. They distract us from treatment, take care of our dog, provide us meals and have dropped everything just to be here. It’s amazing. Thinking about their generosity of time and positivity and presence makes me cry. Still, I thought it would be easier. I’m not sure why. I thought that since we “know how to do this now,” we could just turn auto-pilot back on and do it again. But seeing Sam so miserable never gets easier. And despite having literally the best support network in the world (I honestly mean that. I truly don’t think any couple has ever been more supported than we are), this process is lonely and hard. Ok so all that. Plus the election has me on edge like whoa. (Yup, that’s the best description I can give at the moment.) Then last night Sam spiked a fever of 101-point-something and we went into the ER around 2 am last night (this morning?). After a long night of tests we found ourselves back up in the hospital with a diagnosis of colitis and a potential diagnosis of fungal pneumonia (which I will someday learn to spell without spellcheck). They’ll do more tests throughout the day to figure it out for sure, and make the treatment plan. So that all happened and I haven't slept more than 3 hours. Then this morning, I was talking to Sam’s Mom who could summarize my pre-election, mid-treatment anxiety so perfectly: “My whole body is literally buzzing. I could probably jump start a car today with all the energy. You would just need to hook a pair of jumper cables to my ears.” …Right?! Anyway, once again we have a complete wait-and-see day. I don’t know how the country will vote, and I don’t know what’s next for Sam. But I DO know that in both cases, I promise to just show up and to be present. Present for Sam. Present and involved with the political system. To give myself what I need to be present emotionally in both cases. I can’t control anything, but I can and will participate today and throughout the next administration. For now, that commitment feels like enough. Because it has to be.
Sally H. Mode
11/8/2016 03:08:52 pm
So happy that the family is there.. please know that we are thinking of you all each and every day! xo sal
Ezra
11/8/2016 03:38:12 pm
You are so awesome, Jenny! Today, above all, I'm with you!
Robin Caldwell
11/8/2016 03:39:27 pm
Thinking of you and your family. Only positive, loving thoughts and prayers!!! Keep the faith!
Abbey
11/8/2016 03:48:47 pm
Thank you for this. So glad Sam's family is there. While the country is buzzing with energy tonight, I continue to think of both of you and know that it can't be easy (or anything remotely close to easy) to be buried within those hospital walls again. Love you so much girl.
Davey
11/8/2016 03:57:21 pm
Love you guys. I hope Birkie got down there with some positive Juni vibes. Fingers crossed for all the positive outcomes today. 11/8/2016 04:04:41 pm
as will the country deal with the election result - so will YOU and SAM - and we will overcome
Tammy Opperman
11/8/2016 05:01:35 pm
Sending lots of love, prayers and good juju up to you! Love to you all💕 Comments are closed.
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