I'm distracted from work so I'm taking a break to share something I've learned. First of all, if you are wondering how to talk to me (or anyone else close to Sam) or haven't talked to me/us because you don't know what to say, let me take the pressure off. Please just know that I've been in your shoes. I've had the same struggle with other friends and honestly, I barely even know what to say to myself! Today I'm thinking about how saying anything is better than nothing. ("Here to help," "Sorry for your loss," "My fave memory is..." etc.) I know your intentions are good so don't worry too much about saying the wrong thing, ok? Anyway, here's an excerpt from a poem a number of you sent me. I vehemently disagree with parts of the poem, and I love other parts like the two stanzas here:
I know there is a fear that speaking of someone who died might make the griever sad, so it’s best not to bring them up. Maybe that is true for some people, but in my short experience with grief, I'd say the opposite. Talking about Sam fills me with joy. Here's more from an article I read: "Hearing his name makes me smile and floods my mind with happy memories of a life well lived. It makes the grieving sadder when everyone around [me] refuses to say [his] name."
I'm slowly starting to understand the whole, "there is no moving on, only moving forward" mentality. The idea of moving on sounds awful, but forward is something I can do and that Sam prepared me to do. Continuing to talk about Sam makes that easier. To friends who have lost someone close: I'm sorry if I didn't say anything to you. I was scared. And to be honest, I'm not 100% sure my experience prepares me with what to say, but I know I don't want to say nothing. If you feel comfortable, I'd love to hear others' experiences with grief and what was helpful vs. not. I am very much still trying to figure it out.
Bern
6/1/2017 01:30:47 pm
Hi Jenny and Sam's family.
Pam Marquie
6/1/2017 05:51:59 pm
Dear Jenny - I have two dear friends who have lost young adult children and the sentiments you share are exactly what you express. The mention of their beloved names bring them joy, not sorrow. Mentioning a name makes the grieving remember others share their loss and miss them too. Carry the happiest picture of you and Sam, laminate it, and keep it close at hand. Pull it out, look at it and remember the incredible, deep love you shared. Even after 36 years of marriage I feel we pale compared to the deep abiding love you two shared and expressed in your writing. Continued prayers as you move forward through the process of grief. Hugs too.
marilyn tucker
6/1/2017 06:22:17 pm
Well Said - and I do find myself talking with those who have lost a loved one about that person - I feel better doing that and sharing with them - Kudos to you 6/2/2017 04:45:56 am
Jenny, wishing you many, many happy memories. And so sorry for your loss. My closest thing to your grief was losing my best friend/best man to a car accident just out of high school. We both loved the band Rush. And since his death, every time I hear a Rush song on the radio, I think it is him saying Hi. To this day and I suspect always. And it brings me happy memories, and often still a tear or two. Right now in fact. So I believe you are on the right track. This sucks. But happy memories are the answer. And your and Sam's blogs have been wonderful. Those will help, and help others, which is what Sam was all about. Take care and wishing you millions of happy memories. :) Comments are closed.
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