woof. I've had a helluva 'grief week' this week. (...as I type, I now realize it's only tuesday. yikes.)
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I should probably hate Valentine's Day this year, but I don't. I've always loved most holidays, because I love an excuse to celebrate pretty much anything. Valentine's is one of the most commercialized and objectively dumb holidays, but I'm not one to say 'no' to an excuse to celebrate love, and I'm certainly not going to stop now just because Sam died.
I've learned so much about love lately. I've learned how painful it can be (just go ahead and click on February 2017 in the archives if you need a reminder/smack in the face. ugh why did I do that). Anyway, and of course, I've been reminded about how beautiful and how comforting love is, too. I've leaned heavily on the reliable, sustaining love of my family, best friends, and found family. And I've witnessed love from the far-reaching corners of my network. I realized my network is far greater than I thought it was, because people like to glom onto love - and vulnerability and openness make it easy to do that. (Try it!) Typing this all makes me feel incredibly lucky.
I've learned that while a lot of the THINGS about the kind of home Sam's love was to me are now gone, I AM his love still. I AM what we built, and I AM the experiences we shared. I have all the love he gave me still. (Mmmmmm... it feels so good to take time to remember and be intentional about that.)
Being a widow is very weird. It's really effing sad a lot of the time. I miss Sam every day, more as a physical feeling still than an emotion, which I'll never be able to describe (and I'm so sorry if you also know this feeling). But I also recognize how enriched my life is for having had him in it, for having struggled and persevered together, and for having been imparted his wishes for me to be happy, and equipped with the perspective of adversity, joy, and LOVE to accomplish that wish. What a gift.
I bring myself to tears daydreaming him into situations I'm living out, or languish desperately to be able to ask him a question or tell him a funny moment in my day. I have mini heart attacks when I accidentally think I see him at the grocery store or when I find a scrap of paper with his writing on it. I wake up bawling in the middle of the night about him, and then cry harder because he's the only person who could make me feel better. I'd agree in an instant to two years on a cot in the hospital again if it meant an afternoon holding his hand.
I know I can't change or do any of that though.
But I CAN celebrate our love every day, and especially on Valentine's day. So I will.
I also celebrate yours for continuing to help get me through. Not just getting me through my grief, but helping me lead the life he wished me to have, in whatever role you play.
So, in order to pay it forward, please accept my gratitude and love. Please also accept this authentic photo of Sam Weis "mid-jangle," circa 2013.
Happy Valentine's Day, friends. Thanks for the love this year. Please know you have lots of mine too.