Last night a severely irritated eye, intense sinus pain, an uncontrollable tremor, and an itchy armpit infection kept me up until two in the morning. Then when the relief of sleep came, I shat my pants a little. It was one of the best nights I’ve had in a long time. It was great because for the first time in more than a month I was able to sit on a couch and watch TV with my parents, rub Birkie dog under her chin, sleep in bed with Jenny all night, and get up to make her brunch in the morning. It was great because for the first time in 36 days there weren’t nurses coming in to take my vitals, steal my blood for labs, then give it back through transfusions, waking me up at midnight, 4:00am, 5:00am, 5:15am and 7:00am. It was the first night I had freedom from a hospital bed, tubing and the incessant beeping of an IV pole. It was great because Jenny and I laughed so hard we cried as she read aloud the news article about the Canadian “Balloonatic” who strapped 100 industrial-sized balloons to a lawn chair and floated 4 kilometers above Calgary (#madrespect #carpethefuckindiem). Then we cried together for real as it was the first time we had the space to process what is happening and begin planning how we’d like to spend whatever time I have left.
A lot of people don’t quite know how to process the fact that a chance for curing my cancer has passed, and my time here is limited. I haven’t completely processed it myself but I have come to certain conclusions: First, I choose not to take the news as “I’m dying” but rather that I have a limited time to continue living and will do so with as much passion and gusto as my body allows. I’m still Sam, I still love making bad jokes and cracking people up, I still love getting outside and hearing the birds, breathing fresh air, making brunch and spending time with my friends and family (#Imstillhere #notdeadyet). Second, I choose to find humor in tragedy over anger or embarrassment. I could spare you all the details about accidental bowel movements or armpit infections and choose to hide them, but I find pooping my pants to be genuinely funny. I also hope that sharing these experiences make you all more comfortable to reach out to me and not fall into the, “they probably just want privacy and space at this time,” which I have been guilty of myself when friends are extremely ill. It should come as no surprise that these are hard times; but they are filled with heightened emotions across the spectrum. I choose to spend my time both to reminisce about some of the best of times in the past, and summon whatever strength I have to live life to the fullest and enjoy time with family and friends in the present. I may not have the opportunity to live a normal life span or grow old, but I feel as if I have squeezed a lifetime of adventure and happiness into the time I have been given. That is thanks to many of you who read this blog. I am grateful beyond words to each of you. Finally, speaking of great memories, I want to give a special shoutout to all of my friends in Talkeetna who skied the Oosik today and are undoubtedly having a great time right about now. This has always been one of my favorite weekends of the year and I’m with you all in spirit tonight.
Dave T
3/18/2017 09:35:57 pm
I thought about going for the Oosik hot dog suit speed record today. But you set an intimidating standard, for speed and styling a hot dog costume.
Nichole
3/18/2017 09:49:22 pm
Sam you are a brave soul and a force to be reckoned with. I hope you never lose your passion. We are all so lucky to have watched you two walk through this with such grace. Wishing you both peace, comfort, and great adventure as you finish this journey. Thanks for sharing your story. I am in awe. 😘
Jim
3/19/2017 04:56:15 am
Sam you are an inspiration to many with your outlook on life. I may have only met you years ago for 10 minutes in a crazy windstorm....but I think of you often as I follow your journey. Just keep on enjoying life for all your worth and when you get to the other side be sure and keep the canoe paddles wet and fresh line on the fly rod. You and Jenny are in my prayers !!
Roseanne Boyle Curtis
3/19/2017 06:59:36 am
Sam,
Jen (Shockley) Carroll
3/19/2017 07:04:36 am
Thank you, Sam, for confronting me time and again with the imbearable beauty of life. May you contunue to live out your days as an inspiration and find the ultimate joy and peace when you make it home. 3/19/2017 10:25:47 am
Hi Sam. I am Amanda's father and through her comments I have been able to read your blog. You are choosing such a beautiful way to finish your life here on earth. I hope all of your friends and family live their last days in the same way. I hope I do!!!!
Joyanne Bloom
3/19/2017 10:50:08 am
Glad you and Jenny got to stay at my home in Juneau, so I could know who it is that Lindsey admires so very much. Been reading both of your postings all tugging at my heart in different ways. Looking forward more as you live out the rest of your life to the fullest - not the big things anymore, but the brunches, and doggie love, and laughter and tears. Love you both!
Darlene Machtan
3/19/2017 10:56:32 am
Sam,
Sam
4/5/2017 06:36:24 pm
Ms. Machtan! Thanks for the kind words, but you are entirely wrong. Any eloquence I have i owe entirely to you, Ms. Martini and Mrs. Kitze. I will never forget someone recommending I take a poetry class and thinking "That sounds like torture," then you proved me wrong when it became one of my favorite classes in high school. I cannot even begin to tell you how much comfort poetry has brought me while going through treatment over the last decade. So thank you. And I sincerely hope the shoulder is feeling better!
Jo Lemmens
3/19/2017 11:48:01 am
Thank you Sam for reminding me of how precious life is. You are an inspiration to all. Your courage, humor and love of life despite all you have been through is incredible. The postings by you and Jenny make me laugh, cry and realize happiness is moment by moment and what you make it. God bless you, Jenny and your family.
Nancy Gillingham
3/19/2017 02:32:15 pm
Sam, I have followed your story through this journal that your wife has put her soul into. A beautiful writer. When we get to hear from you, it is equally well written and filled with wonderful humor (loved the "shat my pants a little") and a beautiful outlook of life. The important things. Both your thoughts in this journal have made me think how lucky my 64 years have been. I will think of you Both every time I'm at my cabin and drive by the Birkie cabin. The fresh air, the coolness of the water and the fact I'm a very lucky human being. We must enjoy and live this life we've been given. I hope spring comes quickly so you can wet those canoe paddles and get a little fishing in. And maybe get a walk down the road with Birkie.
Melanie Tulowitzky
3/19/2017 06:57:57 pm
Sam,
Reba
3/20/2017 04:56:20 pm
Hi Sam, I love your writing, and I just wanted to let you know that you've made me actually LOL (for real, not just in text) several times throughout your blog. I'm happy you're getting some good rest and some freedom now. Please continue to keep us up to date on how you're living life to the fullest. Lots of love to you guys.
Michelle Wood
3/22/2017 08:37:08 am
I think of you two often. I love and admire your passion for living. Thanks for the updates. ---Kashmir's Mom
Paula Raffaelli
3/23/2017 12:58:52 pm
Sam - We met several moons ago when I was still living in Alaska (it was a night where I was surrounded by you Wisconsin folk and learned how to play Euchre!), and I think last saw each other at trailgate a few years ago. But I always felt too remotely connected to reach out to you even though I've been religiously following this blog. Well, that was dumb of me. I just wanted to add to the chorus of folks you've amassed far and wide to say that you are just one bad ass human being, and I have learned so much from how you and Jenny have faced this bulls^*t with grace, humor, courage, etc. I am grateful that you've allowed so many of us to ride alongside you in whatever attenuated ways we can as you've gone through this. And I mostly just wanted you to know that you've got another person on this planet who thinks fondly of you and is on your team. Sending you and Jenny and Birkie all the love and support the atoms in my body can muster. - Paula Comments are closed.
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